I am proud to be a lawyer, but that doesn’t stop me from frequently criticizing lawyers. Quite the opposite; I feel uniquely qualified – - and obligated – - to point out the foibles of my fellow attorneys, particularly those that make me cringe. Same with my Jewishness. I hold my breath whenever a Jew or non-Jew has something critical to say about my people – - even when overwhelmingly deserved. With that disclaimer, permit me to list ten things I hate about seeing fellow orthodox Jews on ski-vacations.
- I appreciate that you need thermal underwear, leggings, jeans, and ski pants. But a top layered skirt? Don’t get me wrong, I appreciate your modesty. And, your consideration. After all, without that snow-hugging, form fitting, ankle length skirt, I would surely lust after you. As I blow past you on the slope, focusing on staying vertical and, well, alive, the last thing I want in my head is a picture of your unskirted behind covered with a mere 4 layers. Do you think you are complying with some Torah law? I am no expert, but there has to be something in the good book about turning religion into a huge mockery.
- Hey, Shmuel. The meatball hero in the summit lodge is assuredly not kosher. Even if you make sure there is no cheese. I don’t care if you take off your black hat and yarlmakuh. The beard, side-burns, string fringes, and Hebrew blessings before and after the hero, are dead giveaways. Oh wait; you are wearing a Yankee hat. Maybe you are Amish.
- Just got back from the pool. I met your wife. She was in a bikini. And a scarf covering her hair. She doesn’t look bad considering the 7 kids she is trying to keep from drowning. I know she was wearing a skirt this morning, and now I know why. She is modest. Wait. This might be your Au Pair or your live-in girlfriend. Either way, thank you for keeping her hair covered.
- Ahhh. The chairlift. Is there anything more relaxing and majestic? Literally this is why I go skiing. I can hear myself thinking. So, can you shut your damn cell phone? Really? In that silly Yiddish accent, and your rank refusal to learn our language, you are going to yap the entire 15 minute ride? The sad part? Cell phone coverage stopped about 10 minutes ago.
- The complimentary ski-check does not accept your poles. Or your boots. Just your skis. It says it right there. ON THE DOOR. “Attention Jews: we will not accept your poles or boots. No matter what horrible curses you wish upon us in Yiddish.” At least have the courtesy to make believe you aren’t Jewish. You are embarrassing me.
- Matzo is for Passover. Not ski trips. Unless you are skiing on the matzo.
- Yes. She is hot. And blond. 30 years old. And catholic. And wearing skin tight ski-pants. And, yes, she can see you staring. Can you stop waiving your poles around? It’s just gross.
- No. You cannot re-arrange seating on the chairlift. If she’s good enough to stare at, she’s good enough to sit next to.
- Watching TV in the lobby is just as much as sin as watching it at home. No one believes you are just waiting for the messiah.
- Next year in Jerusalem. But, if Jerusalem is not available, how about the Atlantis? I hear they have four minyans every day.
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